I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
