i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
