i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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