Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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