why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
