im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sober January is a disaster.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
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