i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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