did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
