we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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