If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
