You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
