I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
