Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
