I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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