Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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