when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
