the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
