I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
