why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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