Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
