I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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