On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
