Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
