Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
