just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And then my night got REAL pukey
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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