life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm always down for nudity.
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