she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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