Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
