i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
