Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
