maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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