Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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