i would punch a child for taco bell
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
