my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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