I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
