Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar