How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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