Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
