he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
