Can i not drive my cunt home
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
