a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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