so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
