yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
