I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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