She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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