Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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