It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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