did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
