carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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