I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
