i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
