I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
