Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
the raccoons are back...
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