I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
